In trying to come up with a subject to start this whole blogging thing with I thought I should begin with a tribute to an old friend whose passing last week really was the spark that jolted my brain into this action. I had the same thing happen when I lost my folks over 6 years ago but once I got the initial thoughts out of my brain and on (electronic) paper I failed to keep up with it. Hopefully this time I can keep these thoughts flowing because I really do find it rather cathartic to share some of this. As anyone who knows me can attest to I’m fairly quiet and keep a lot of myself internalized – but writing seems to allow me to get that junk out of my head and express my thoughts a lot better than through conversation. So here goes….
Last week I got a call from one of my dearest high school friends, Robin, who informed me of the passing of our mutual friend Brent Bottjen. It really punched me in the gut on several levels. Now Brent and I had not been close since high school and I had pretty much lost track of him except through friends updating me from time to time on how he was doing. This had nothing to do with anything but simply life in general. We had just gone our separate ways after high school and found our own paths to follow as most of us do. But when I found out he was gone from this world it really made me mad at myself for not making that effort to stay in touch because upon reflection Brent represents a time in my life that was very special in defining who I am and how I would eventually see the world.
I’ve thought a lot about high school recently – maybe because I’m watching my daughter get ready to graduate or simply because I’ve turned 46 and am starting to turn into one of those old guys who like to ponder “the good old days”. Whatever the reason it has truly awakened a great deal of emotions in me and made me want to embrace a core of my being that I’ve let go dormant for some time. We all go through periods of time in our lives that “define” us – high school – going to college – that first love – marriage – kids – you know, life. But, for me, my high school years really had a profound impact that I’ve just now started to re-examine and let my mind drift back to.
Going into high school I was a pretty shy and introverted kid. I had my small group of friends – mostly other “geeks” like myself. I pretty much confined myself to school and studies – I wasn’t athletic, popular or particularly good looking so school to me was just going to class, getting good grades and spending time with my friends after school playing Dungeons and Dragons or reciting Monty Python routines – basically being a nerd. My social skills were pretty much non-existent. It wasn’t until my sophomore year that I made a dramatic turn (no pun intended) when Brent – who was my locker partner since Jr. High – convinced me to take drama class and try out for the school musical. Brent was a quiet, shy guy like me but he was also a very talented singer and really had a way about him that made everyone love him and want to be around him. I, on the other hand, had absolutely no musical talent whatsoever and was certain that getting up on stage in front of a bunch of people was the last thing in the world I could ever do – but I relented and gave it a shot.
To my total shock and amazement when I stepped up on stage something happened to me that was completely unexpected. To re-use a completely tired old cliché, I “came out of my shell”. Somehow I was able to immerse myself into a character, forget that I was standing up in front of a bunch of people and just go with it. Maybe it was the fact that it wasn’t me I was being but a character that allowed me to suspend my insecurities, but whatever it was – I liked it! That was the moment – at the time just another day in high school – but in retrospect, the moment in my life that I realized I had a talent (granted, I have no allusions to having been or ever being the next Al Pacino) and there was an artistic side to my brain that was worth exploring and exploiting. But perhaps even more importantly than finding an avenue to express myself openly the experience also opened up my life to a new group of friends and a philosophy that has really made a lasting impact over the years. For the first time I felt a sense of family within my peers. Up until that time friends, to me, were just the kids you hung around with and played games with and your family was your family. It was within the confines of the Ferris auditorium that my eyes were opened to the larger view of family that has since defined me more than anything else I have encountered. We have a sign in our house that says “Friends are the family we chose” and it really means a lot to me – it’s also a subject that deserves its own blog, which I’ll write about soon. Suffice it to say within this particular essay – the friendships I made back then and the feeling of family and community we all shared made me what I am today a great deal more than I realized at the time or for many years since. It’s also that knowledge and the loss of a special person whom I allowed to drift away that has renewed my zeal in re-connecting with “the old gang” (thank you Facebook) and remembering all those people who helped to create the man that I am today.
So in trying to wrap up this bit of self reflection I want to say to Brent: “Thank you my dear friend for your friendship and for your kind and generous soul – the world is a better place for having you in it – and a little less bright now that you have moved on. Forgive me for not being a part of your life these past years and helping you celebrate your accomplishments or offering my support as you faced your own struggles. You were and still are one of the best friends a guy could hope to encounter in this life. We shall meet again.”
